Seasonal Affective Disorder: Bending Without Breaking

During the winter it is normal for all of us to feel less energized and perhaps a greater need to rest. This comes from shorter days and an increased release of melatonin. In nature this seasonal shift causes many animals to hibernate, but us humans keep plugging along. We have an incredible ability to override the natural physiological responses to seasonal change, in order to adapt to a lifestyle that does not afford for hibernation. However, in some of us, that override is not there. For those of us with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), we are overcome by a sense of hopelessness and worthlessness, we may not sleep at night and feel tired all day. We feel antisocial and less interested in the activities we typically enjoy. There is no switch we can flip and that can be incredibly overwhelming and discouraging.

There is a single tree right in front of my kitchen window. It is surrounded by rose bushes. In the the spring, summer, and fall, the tree is covered in pretty leaves, with pretty red roses adorning its trunk. Then suddenly the cold will come, and in what feels like less than a weeks time, all the leaves are gone, and the beautiful rose bush is just a wicked cluster of thistles. The other day while walking back from the mail box, I stopped to stair closely at the tree. It looked painful to be honest. Its been cold here, and the bark seemed to be shrink in distress. I also noticed a thistly vine had grown all the way up the tree from the rose bush. The thorns were piercing it’s dark gray body. Ouch. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that tree and how it so accurately symbolizes how I feel. How can I feel so happy and radiant all year long, literally surrounded by roses, then rapidly, yet predictably, sink into such raw despair? SAD feels exactly like that tree looks. Completely stripped, totally raw, and utterly defenseless. The thorny vine that digs into its branches may have been there all year, but now it is exposed for everyone to see. There are no pretty leaves to conceal it. 

Yet, at the end of the day, this is nature right? This is God’s glorious design. With every season, turn, turn, turn….So if we can see this truth in nature and we can accept that this is a real physical struggle we must face, then how can we allow it to refine us and enlighten us in the midst of the pain? Hopefully I can help you with that….

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I have suffered from SAD my whole life, but only fully recognized its existence when I was diagnosed in 2010. Since then, I have discovered ways to make this time of year more bearable, and through that I have significantly shortened the peak period of my symptoms.

Here are my tips:

1. If you think you have it, get diagnosed and accept it. Prior to accepting it, I would fight it! I would spend months churning over this constant “what’s wrong with me?” question. It made me sick, and never allowed me to move on. Now that I know I have it, I can feel it coming on. I slow down and step into what’s to come with more acceptance and understanding.

2. Surround yourself with comfort~Cozy blankets, inspirational books, pretty paintings and pictures, redecorate a corner (it’s ok if it takes you a week to do it~your not your normal self remember)~Don’t feel bad for shutting some doors on messes; If your SAD is really bad you may only have the energy to keep one space tidy~Make that your sanctuary. Buy a few new baggy sweaters, wear them everyday. Light smell good candles and massage yourself daily with essential oils.

3. Light therapy. If you can afford a light therapy lamp, get one. If not, try to sit in an open window with the sunlight directly on your face for at least 20 minutes. If you can get outside, even better. Try to force a walk, but don’t kill yourself with guilt if you can’t! Let go of guilt!

4. Be ok with who you are now, and let go of who you are the rest of the year (He/She will be back and better than before). I am usually very outgoing and love being social. However, when SAD hits, if you aren’t in my enter circle…Hhssss get away! I literally do not have the energy to “put it on” for anyone. I’m the stripped down tree remember? And you know what? Thats ok! We have somehow convinced ourselves that we have to be perfect all the time, we don’t. We aren’t! I mean if nature has to follow this law, don’t you think its ok if we do too? This is your time to say NO. No, I can’t do lunch. No, I can’t have your kids over for a sleep over. But on the flip side, do say YES to dinner with your best friend or a cozy night over at your parents house. You need to be social but be social with people who you can be 100% YOU with.

5. Create your “new routine”. This kind of goes along with number 4. If you are a yes person like me, its time to incorporate a little No. Slow down! Shorten your exercise routine, focus on stretching, yoga, prayer, and balance. Don’t be afraid to cut out some clutter, and don’t feel bad about it. Put just a few “to-dos” on your list; One item for your health, one item for your home, and one item for your family. {don’t neglect your health, this will pass far more quickly with even 10 minutes of exercise a day~trust me}

6. Look inside and get quite. Nothing is without meaning. This is the most important item that helps me to embrace this time, and through this I grow. I always come out the other side with greater knowledge and understanding. There is a reason that tree in my yard is stripped down, and there is a reason I feel a connection to that tree right now.What does God do for us when we are stripped down? What can he reveal? More than when we are concealed right?

7. This too shall pass. Do not become overwhelmed. Soon you will feel alive again. Your hope will return and your energy will spring anew. Don’t be hard on yourself, now is the time to love yourself the most!

Think of the tree. Every year it grows, every year it perseveres. It doesn’t care about what everyone else is doing and what everyone else thinks about it. It has no clue that its my muse for this blog right now! Nope, all it does is follow the rhythm that our Creator set before it. It soaks up the sun and drinks the water. It will bear fruit again, and so will you and I. Be still and know!

Finally, I will leave you with this quote to think on:

“Be Still With God- To be idle sometimes is the part of wisdom. It is the needful rest and relaxation that Christ invited his disciples to share with Him when they were overstrained and worn out with labour. The best way to enjoy it is to get away from the crowd into some quiet place where the heart can be still with God in the open air. It is most sweet when it is shared by friends. Such idleness may be fruitful. It reaps ‘The harvest of a quite eye, that broods and sleeps on His own heart.'”~unknown

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2013

“As a tree is fertilized by its own broken branches and fallen leaves, and grown out of its own decay, so men and nations are bettered and improved by trial, and refined out of broken hopes and blighted expectations.” ~F.W. Roberston

I adore that quote, and if it rings true at all, my soil for the 2014 harvest is as rich as they get.

There are so many details about our 2013 that aren’t mine to share, but I can say I was stretched in every meaning of the word. I was stretched physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

In November I ran a half marathon that I had no business running. I recently had surgery that wouldn’t allow for any physical exercise, which left me weak and out of condition, then I went into the race suffering from an excruciating case of bronchitis. Not to mention, the temps in Tennessee were in the 30s and my pipes were Florida conditioned. I know this doesn’t seem like some huge feat, and honestly I didn’t make that big of a deal out of it. However, what I experienced out there was a big deal. That race was a 2 hour and 30-something minute synopsis of my year. I couldn’t breathe at times, my joints ached, I cried, I prayed, I KEPT GOING. I never stopped. At times I moved so slow that if my body didn’t appear to be running, you might have called it standing still. But I never stopped. Why? Because of God. I’m not kidding, it was all HIM! I should have collapsed somewhere around the guy who was smoking on the sidewalk (lol). But, I just kept asking Him, “Please Lord just carry me to the finish. Just push me. Keep pushing me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” He was faithful, I finished.

Being completely weak and incapable, yet finishing the race solely by the strength of God was my 2013. 

I’m not the type of person to say “my life is horrible” just because my circumstances might be hard. In fact, I see a lot of beauty in the hard times. Not because of anything great about me, but because of God. He is always faithful in eventually revealing His purpose. Seeing that faithfulness comes from years of walking with Him. There is nothing He has sent me through, that was not intended to strengthen me and draw me closer to Him. In fact, in my pain, I am thankful. Thankful that he believes in me enough to challenge and refine me. When you ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, and greater responsibility within His kingdom, He doesn’t hand it all over like a winning lotto ticket. Instead, He puts you through bootcamp.

This year was about silence and prayer. I fought hard for one thing, Stephen’s health. Everything else felt stripped away from me, and I was asked to be silent. Any time I felt the need to defend myself, or try too hard, or fix something, I heard, “why aren’t I enough for you?”….”shhhh”

He demanded my attention. He revealed to me my pride. He showed me a mirror. He asked me to choose Him every day. He allowed me to walk through so many things all alone, so I would know that I am never alone. He asked me to release people and situations over to Him. There were days, in the midst of my most difficult storm, when I couldn’t eat, shower, or even change out of my robe. I just sat holding a picture of His face in one hand and His Word in the other. I had never been so incapable of basic functions, and He met me there. He showed me such beauty and love. Once again, asking me to be still, be quite. He wanted to be my sole provider and, for once, I allowed it.

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If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands! CLAP! CLAP! I am so blessed. Why? Because God spent 2013 improving my sight. There are no guarantees in life. As a child you look ahead and see school, career, love, marriage, babies, family, a beautiful home, health, security. But those things aren’t guaranteed, and they aren’t promised to satisfy regardless. Sometimes you get sick, sometimes you can’t find a job. sometimes you can’t have kids, sometimes you feel alone, sometimes___________. But you always have a choice! You have a choice to trust in the God who created The Heavens and The Earth. You have a choice to relinquish control and KNOW all things belong to Him (your children, your spouse, your job- THEY ARE HIS! Not yours!). You have a choice to be infinitely grateful for every breath you breathe and every bite you take. You have a choice to Stop putting God in a box–assuming he can only do certain things or only involves himself in certain areas of your life–and Start seeing Him as the infinite, ever-flowing, never-ending source of love and power that He is. He knows everything about you, He lights every step you take, He protects you, He keeps you, He has great plans for you! Erase everything you know about “how the world works” and focus on that!

~Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)
So here are my choices:
1. I chose to love my husband every day. Knowing that he is not perfect and I never expect him to be. He is the son of The Most High King. He is adored by God, and God is taking him on an extraordinary journey. One that I am so very fortunate to be apart of. I will not bring him down, rather I will always lift him up in prayer and with words of encouragement. I will do my very best to love him like Christ loves me, unconditionally.
2. I will not compare myself to others, yet believe wholeheartedly that God made me and set me apart for a specific, and divine purpose. He loves me and wants me to be ME!
3. I will believe that others love me too. I will not live in a state where I assume negativity, yet reside in positivity, knowing he is working all things for my good.
4. I will soak up every one of my german shepherd’s 10,000 a day kisses, even though I don’t need a bath. I will happily share the bed with my 100lb Rottweiler, who kicks and snores all night. I will sit for hours scratching my cockatiel’s head because he absolutely adores it. And I will thank God every minute for the gifts that they are. They are my family. They are the children he has chosen for me, for the moment that I am in, and I am unbelievably blessed by their lives.
5. I will be an artist. I will not be afraid to create all the crazy creations HE pours into my head.
6. I will love deeper
7. I will choose to trust Him in all things
8. I will live here and now, not then and there.
What are YOUR choices?
I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite pictures from the year 🙂
All of our babies~We welcomed a new feathery addition this year and the whole family has embraced him. Even my Dad got him a “welcome to the family gift”! When you were raised with pet ducks, pigs, and cows that sleep in the house, you don’t know where animal ends and people begin! LOL!
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My Faves~From Cold To Hot 🙂

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My Florida Family~When God takes you away from home, You find family on the road. Im thankful for all of them:

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And finally a shot from my mom’s visit for Christmas:

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HAPPY NEW YEAR YA’LL!!!! Choose Him because He Chose YOU!

Healing

Exercise has taken a back seat to circumstance, surgery, and recovery this month. Yesterday I was able to take my first walk, and I am getting ready to head out for another (hopefully longer) one today.

I can’t even remember the last time I took a break this long from activity, and I know I still have a few weeks to go before I am cleared to do all my usual exercise. However, I have to say it has revealed so much to me about God and his ability to truly heal. He has used this time to show me where my identity is found.

So what has he revealed…

I am so dependent on Him, not my image. That is a lot coming from a recovering anorexic with severe body dysmorphia. 3 yrs ago, a break like this would have sent me into complete panic mode! I would have wondered every day, “how much ground have I lost?” or “How much weight have I gained?” or “How long will it take me to get back in shape!!!!?” 

Now, I’m not going to lie. I have had a very swollen belly (due to the nature of the surgery), and I have had moments of “Err when will this thing go down!?” haha…but nothing emotionally catastrophic! It’s so unbelievably liberating and exciting! If I look just the way I do with two red scars on my stomach and one in my belly button, and the bloated belly never subsides, I will not be one ounce less beautiful or usable in the kingdom of heaven. In fact, I might be MORE beautiful and MORE usable for His Kingdom!

I often wonder, If individuals who are really into fitness and maintaining a certain image, would feel just as confident if life threw them a curve ball that kept them from maintaining that image? In fact, I have wondered the same about myself. I mean most people in the fitness industry are preaching about health but also self-esteem, but where does the self-esteem really come from? Which came first the chicken or the egg? The self-esteem or the hot body?

I was hesitant about getting into fitness even though I felt strongly led by God, because I do not have the six pack abs, defined bi’s and tri’s, and popping quads. I am just a girl with a history of severe pain over my image, who was healed by God through His love and ability to transform my perspective about what IS HEALTHY! He showed my that exercise is essential, but not at all for the reasons people think. Which leads to the second thing he revealed to me….or should I say strengthened in me…

I NEED to exercise!!

Not exercising has been hard, but not in the way most would imagine. After just one week of not strength training my knees began to ache. I have weaker knees and ankles, I  have since I was a child. People used to tell my parents that I needed braces on my legs. I literally could not run! Working out keeps me free from pain, and I am not the exception. This is true for EVERYONE. If you have achy bones, you need exercise. Its a fact! The stronger your muscles, the less stress on your bones! Bam! Ask anyone who used to suffer from pain, who lost weight and began exercising. They will tell you the same. It brings the ultimate relief. Feeling achy was such a great reminder of how much I need this in my life! And it has nothing to do with how I look!

Secondly, My mental state! Ooohee I am in the middle of it! I told Stephen yesterday, “I don’t know how anyone gets through a day without exercise because it makes me feel sad!” And once again, not because I feel ugly, but because my brain needs the chemical response to exercise. Endorphins are not a happy accident! They are placed there by the master of design! He created bodies that need work, and those little happy hormones are some pretty strong motivators! That’s why I promote an easy slow start to exercise. Let the natural happy feeling and stress relief that comes with exercise pull you in, before you start slamming yourself with massive goals and insurmountable pressure! Both of which, nix the impact of endorphins pretty quickly.

This brings me back to the glorious walk I am about to embark on! I have an amazing praise playlist ready, and I am looking forward to thanking God for my health. While, I can’t wait to get back to full on sweating, I have such peace in Him. 

So what am I trying to say here?……..

Relax! Hand over the “pressure gun” you have to your head and replace it with the beautiful things he created to bring you peace, happiness, and health. Good food and exercise are not mountains you have to climb, they are blessings dispersed along the amazing journey that is your life! Remember, there is only one you! Never was one before you and there will never be one after you. You are so insanely beautiful in your one of a kind uniqueness. Your purpose is solely your own. Relish in the plan God has for your life….

…and go take a walk 🙂

I love you!

Alaina

 

PLANK CHALLENGE VOTING! Who will be the Ultimate Plankster?

Hey Guys! The moment we have been waiting for is here! These folks have worked so hard, and have been so brave in my opinion. Over the last month, they have shared their struggles, their victories, and their super awesome plank pictures! I have been so inspired by all the personal testimonies that have come from this challenge. Many people have participated, but the Planksters below are the individuals who have posted pictures and stuck with it through out the entire month!!!

To Vote Just Leave The Name Of Who You Would Like To WIN In The Comments Below!

Winner recieves a $75 Nike Gift Card and Plant Protein Powder From Life Extension

#1 Michelle

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Michelle has an amazing blog that I follow in which she pours out so much of her past in complete transparency. Her strength and continual growth is so amazing!

I asked everyone to tell me a little about what motivated them through the challenge and Michelle emailed me this:

“Alaina, you are what motivated me to follow through to this challenge. Even when I admitted my shortcomings and my setbacks, you uplifted me to forgive myself and to pick it right back up and push through!
I have always struggled with commitments to myself and the whole “follow through” thing.
Even during this challenge I struggled with my promises. 
It has been one of my deeper issues throughout my life and I am not sure why, but it is.
Self-sabotaging me to not be better. That’s what I do! That’s who I have always been.
However, I can honestly say that I can do a full on 3 minute plank! THAT, my friends, is my BIGGEST victory!!!
I PLANKED WHAT MY FATHER GAVE ME!
(whoop whoop!!!)”
Isn’t that Awesome!!??? Vote For Michelle Below!!
#2 Tiffany
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Tiffany has overcome so much in her life! She keeps pressing forward no matter what life throws her, and I am so proud of her!
Here is what Tiffany shared with me about the challenge:
“For years I have struggled with my weight and having motivation to exercise. I’m surrounded by trainers and others that inspire people everyday, but their style didn’t work for me.  One thing that Built on the Rock has done is changed my mindset.  It’s OK that I couldn’t actually hold the 3 minute plank for the 3 straight minutes, I had to break and tack my time on to the end – before I would have beat my self up saying see – you can’t do this.  But my victory came when I tackled my thoughts – I got up each day and did it no matter how I felt or what I thought.  I became thankful and confident in who I am in Christ and knowing that no matter how “good” I was compared to anyone else I was making my temple stronger for Christ and HE is all that matters”
I am so proud of her!!!!!! Go vote for Tiffany!!!!
#Kimberly
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Kimberly is amazing! She really stuck with this challenge and reported a 12lb weight loss!! In addition, I could see her develop a deep love and appreciation for herself…it was really amazing to witness. One the first day of the challenge she posted this to the BOTR facebook page:
“Thank you for challenging me. For a while I’ve been so down on myself and last night when I tried my very first plank, I cried. It was so hard for me, and I kept saying omg I can’t even do it! John kept saying yes momma you can., and I did it!! We both laughed after, but it’s a milestone in my life change and so I thank you!!”
I cried when I read it, and I then I went back and read it a few more times and cried a few more times! Vote For Kimberly!
#4 John
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This is Kimberly’s son John. He is 10 years old and he committed to this challenge to support his mom, Kimberly. To me that is really remarkable!! I think he deserves votes for being the world’s greatest son!!!!
#4 Kristal
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Kristal is an air force wife and mother of two. Her husband is currently deployed and she is taking care of business all by her bad self! I have so enjoyed her interaction on Facebook and Twitter through out this challenge. She has been so encouraging to other participants and just a positive force in general. Her attitude, devotion, and uplifting spirit is really inspiring. I think she is a powerful example for other military spouses and deserves LOTS OF VOTES 🙂
OK GO VOTE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Voting Close Tomorrow, June 30th at 9pm! Winner will be announced then!